it really hit me this morning that boys will want to date Piper. let it be known that any boy who even likes Piper will have to complete the following 5-round gauntlet (completion of the gauntlet doesn’t guarantee a date, only a conversation with me):
round 1: 20 minutes of verbal mockery. what is more damaging to middle school kids than being made fun of? my friends and i will exploit every facet of the boy’s life with ridicule. any boy that hasn’t been overcome with self-doubt at this point is worthy to move to the next round.
round 2: feats of strength. a combination of landscaping, cinder-block lifting, digging random holes only to have to fill them in when done, endless push-ups, crab fishing in the bering sea, ice-road trucking, and wilderness survival. no particular order.
round 3: scripture memory. simple…the book of numbers. this is the weed-out round.
round 4: the maze. this one is more for personal enjoyment. ever see the maze in ‘the shining’? imagine 20 acres of twists and turns, dead ends, misdirection….AT NIGHT without use of a flashlight.
round 5: a staring contest. what sweaty boy has the nerve to look someone older in the eye…without blinking…as I gaze deep into his soul…
i reserve the right to have any boy restart the gauntlet for absolutely no reason at all!
so I will offer the 20 acres! I will also begin praying for that young man!
don’t you want to know if he can throw a frisbee?
So, you’re saying my son has a chance?!?! Melissa, I can’t stop thinking about you!!! What a fun, anxious, exciting, overwhelming, thrilling time in your life. Enjoy these last FEW peaceful days.
P.S. I think the Gauntlet will be good for Ryan.
I am only thankful that you did not wind up fish bait at the bottom of Lake Powell -
Too many witnesses…
Actually, I am thinking that your gauntlet is pretty good… it would have weed me out… and that would probably be desirable. You realize, of course, that nobody is good enough for YOUR daughter… I can’t wait to hear her laugh. But I will settle for just getting to hold her. Wahoo!
jess….of COURSE ryan stands a chance! how fun would it be to legally bind our families.
finally.
dad…i am glad no gauntlet weeded you out! and i am pretty sure mom is happy about that too!!! silly man.
haha. Poor Piper. Should we just start stocking up on turtlenecks and baggy sweat pants as gifts? Billy, you are too funny.
Need I remind you that it has been a really, really long time since you updated your blog? Surely you have lots of new stuff to post!!! How about a picture of Piper with Sandra Bulloch?